I Don't Want You To Leave
by imnotawriterbutohwell
Summary: An alternate ending to the carriage scene in S. 2 Ep. 1. The witches don't interrupt Ethan and Vanessa. A little bit angsty.


Vanessa sat across from Ethan in the carriage, waiting for him to say what he so urgently needed to tell her. A million thoughts ran through her head of the possible things he might say and fear gripped her heart. His eyes were sad. They were always so expressive and she could get lost in trying to understand the emotions behind them. Now she understood that the emotion was sadness, and she nervously waited for him to tell her why.

He sighed, his lips quivering and his eyes shining with unshed tears, "I came to say goodbye," he said in his gruff voice, not meeting her gaze.

"You're leaving London," it was not a question but she was hoping he would tell her that she was wrong, though she knew he wouldn't. Her heart felt as if it were being squeezed and suddenly she felt not only curious but deeply sad. She had grown unusually fond of Ethan in the short time that she had known him. A lot had happened in that time, and through it all, he always showed her a kindness that she hadn't felt in a very long time, maybe since Mina and she had been close.

"I have to," he said, not looking at her, instead averting his eyes to the hat in his hands. Vanessa was struck by the sadness she saw in his face, and she too was filled with a sensation very close to grief.

"Why?"

"Miss Ives," he started, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I'm not what you think I am," he said, finally looking at her. "And before I hurt you, or anyone here, I need to get away."

Vanessa leaned forward, placing her hand on his knee. She could feel fear and sorrow slowly making their way from her heart to the rest of her body, and in an attempt to control it she quickly asked, "Where will you go?"

"Spain, maybe," he answered. "Or Russia. Find a war somewhere. Join a side," he continued, his hand shaking as he moved his hair behind his ear. He took a shaky breath and gave her a small smile that she knew was an attempt to keep her from worrying, "Do what I'm good at."

"And the war here?" she asked. She knew it wasn't over and she didn't know if she would be able to fight it without him. She had grown too dependent on him and she kicked herself for it, but she couldn't bear to see him leave.

"Mina's dead. The creature's dead. We lost," he answered. He suddenly looked very tired. She knew he was right, but she needed him, and she wasn't going to let him leave without making it clear that she didn't want him to.

"That was only a battle," she said desperately. "Do you think the dark forces that converge on our heads can be vanquished so easily? Do you honestly believe you can escape them?" she asked.

"And the other ones?" he countered quietly. "The ones inside us?"

Vanessa remembered the month she spent desperately fighting the demons inside her. She remembered how Ethan, Sir Malcolm, Victor, and Sembene took care of her, even as she said horrible things to them, even as she was being torn to pieces by the evils inside her. She remembered Ethan's kindness and his gentle hands. She remembered thinking that she might be falling in love with him.

"Inside me, you mean?" She asked despondently.

"No. That's not what I mean," he responded, shaking his head. He looked sadder than she had ever seen him as he looked at her for a moment before averting his gaze and taking a deep breath. "There are times that I," he paused and shook his head, searching for words, "have," he smacked his lips, and Vanessa waited patiently for him to continue. She had never seen him so unsure of himself, so unable to say something that he obviously needed to say, "well, like these blackouts. Times I can't remember."

"What happens?" His words filled her with a curiosity she very rarely allowed herself to feel.

"I don't know. But there's usually blood," he responds, his head hung in shame.

"How can I help?" she asked, concerned and frightened for him. She knew Ethan was not innocent. She knew there was blood on his hands, more blood than she knew, but this was something else entirely. Vanessa suddenly realized that there was so much about Ethan that she didn't know. She knew enough, however, and she sure as hell wasn't going to let Ethan go through whatever he was going through alone, especially after everything he had done for her. Especially after he sat with her for a month while she was fighting off her inner demons. He deserved better.

Ethan leaned back in his seat, his face turning to stone, "You can't change what you are… no matter who you save… or who you love." He stared at her with an intensity that made her heart stutter.

Vanessa leaned back as well and for a few moments all they did was stare at each other. Vanessa thought about how much she wanted Ethan to stay and she thought about how she had fallen in love with him. She tried to convey every emotion she was feeling through her eyes, hoping that he would be able to understand what she was trying to tell him without words.

Eventually, when she started to feel her heart cracking at the sadness within his eyes, she turned to look out the window of the carriage. She watched London roll by, the streets and buildings only illuminated by the moon and the street lights. London seemed so calm at night, though she knew it was anything but. She knew of the horrors that lurked in the dark. She knew of the horrible things that happened when there was no one around. She knew of the horrible monsters that hid in the shadows. She couldn't see any of them, but she knew they were there. She knew she was one of them. She wondered if Ethan was too.

Neither of them spoke for a long while but Vanessa could feel Ethan's gaze boring into her skin. She wondered what he was thinking about and whether or not he knew that she had fallen in love with him despite herself. She knew he didn't want to leave, she could see it in his eyes, but he was trying to run away from something within him. She wanted to tell him that he would not be able to do it. For years she had tried to run from the horrors inside her, from the demons grasping at her, and she knew better than anyone that it was impossible. They were always quicker than her. When she ran they ran just a little bit faster. They knew where to find her and they knew her weaknesses. She would never outrun them. She desperately wanted to know what demons plagued him, what horrors lived inside him, though she dared not ask.

Finally, Vanessa turned to meet his gaze once again, "What if I told you I don't want you to leave?"

Ethan chuckled darkly before responding, "I would tell you that it's not your choice to make, Vanessa."

Vanessa leaned forward and sighed in frustration, "Ethan, what difference does it make if you're here, or in Russia, or in America? If the trouble is inside you, it will be there no matter where you go." She tried not to let her desperation and heartache show, but she knew he would see it anyway.

Ethan shook his head and looked at the roof of the carriage before replying, "This isn't about getting away from what I am. I know that I can't." He looked back at her and continued, "This is about leaving before I get the chance to hurt you or anyone else I care about."

Vanessa sighed and grabbed his hand. In response, he leaned forward and placed his other hand on top of hers, squeezing gently. In this position, their faces were mere inches away from each other, and she could feel Ethan's breath on her lips. She brought up a hand to gently stroke his cheek and her heart fluttered when he closed his eyes and leaned into her touch.

"I am not afraid of you," she whispered, pressing her forehead against his.

Ethan brought a hand to her cheek, stroking it with his thumb. Quietly he said, "Maybe you should be."

Vanessa shook her head slightly and pressed a small kiss to the corner of his mouth. "I don't want you to leave," she murmured so quietly she wondered if he even heard her at all, but suddenly she was pressed up against him and he was kissing her so fiercely she was afraid her heart would explode. Her hands moved to his hair, pushing it away from his face and stroking his cheeks tenderly.

After a few seconds, they both pulled away, their foreheads pressed together. Vanessa closed her eyes and Ethan nuzzled his nose sweetly against hers. She leaned back against the seat, a small smile lighting up her delicate features. Ethan's eyes followed her every move and she could see all his questions and insecurities in his eyes.

"We have all done horrible things. There are monsters within all of us. You don't have to be alone, Ethan. I will be by your side, whatever choice you make, but know that you will always have a home with us. You will always have a family."

Ethan sighed and pulled her closer to him, pressing another heart-wrenching kiss against her lips before quickly pulling away, leaving her dazed, "You could not understand what you mean to me, Vanessa Ives."

"And you to me Ethan Chandler," she smiled sadly as he knocked on the top of the carriage urging the driver to stop. Ethan moved towards the door but before he could open it, Vanessa pulled him closer to her for one last kiss. She pressed her forehead against his and whispered a prayer against his lips. Finally, she let go of him and returned to her seat, her eyes never leaving his. Ethan gave her one last longing look before stepping out of the carriage and closing the door behind him. Vanessa heard him telling the driver to take her back home and watched him through the window of the carriage as he stepped into the shadows.

Vanessa was struck by the thought that that might've been the last time she saw Ethan and finally she allowed herself to cry. In that carriage, Vanessa felt her already shattered heart break into smaller pieces, as she prayed to God to keep him safe, wherever his road might lead him.


End file.
